Ever find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no, especially when it comes to your parents? A lot of millennial women carry this with them—people-pleasing. But here’s the twist: for many of us, it didn’t start with colleagues, friends, or partners. It started at home. More specifically, with our parents. Yep—people-pleasing often begins as parent-pleasing.
When you were younger, did you feel like your worth was tied to being the “good girl”? The helpful one? The child who kept the peace, didn’t rock the boat, made mum or dad proud? That’s not a coincidence. That’s conditioning. And it’s where so many of our people-pleasing patterns begin.
What is Parent-Pleasing, Really?
Parent-pleasing is when you feel like your value is based on how well you meet your parents’ expectations—whether that’s being emotionally available for them, getting perfect grades, or simply never being “too much.” It’s that constant pressure to keep them happy, avoid conflict, and earn approval.
Over time, that same energy shows up in adulthood. Suddenly, you’re the one who says yes when you mean no. You take on too much, over-explain your choices, avoid hard conversations—all because deep down, you fear rejection or disapproval. Sound familiar?
So... What’s the Root Cause of People-Pleasing?
It’s not just about wanting to be liked (although, yes, that too). It’s often about safety and connection. As kids, we learn that approval = love and disapproval = disconnection. So we adapt. We become who we think we need to be to keep our caregivers close and the vibe calm.
That pattern doesn’t just disappear when we grow up. It sticks around, especially in relationships where we feel vulnerable—romantic ones, work dynamics, friendships. The fear of disappointing someone can still feel huge.
Is People-Pleasing a Red Flag?
It’s not a red flag in the dramatic, throw-the-whole-person-away sense. But it is a sign that something deeper might be going on—usually around boundaries, self-worth, or unhealed relational dynamics. If your default mode is over-functioning for others while abandoning your own needs, it’s worth getting curious about where that comes from.
And no, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system learned a strategy that worked once—but maybe isn’t working so well anymore.
Is People-Pleasing a Trauma Response?
Often, yes. Especially if it developed in an environment where love or safety felt conditional. If you had to tiptoe around big emotions, take on a caretaker role, or stay small to avoid criticism, people-pleasing may have been your way of coping.
It’s a really smart survival strategy. But it’s not a sustainable way to live. You deserve relationships where you don’t have to earn your place by over-giving or being constantly agreeable.
Final Thoughts
If you see yourself in this, you’re not alone. So many millennial women are becoming aware of the ways their early relationships shaped how they show up in the world now. Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming cold or uncaring—it’s about learning that you matter too. Your needs, your voice, your limits.
The good news? You can unlearn the pattern. You can reconnect with the parts of you that were silenced. And you can start setting boundaries that make space for the real, whole you—not just the version that kept everyone else comfortable.
