People-Pleaser: Definition, Signs, Causes and Dangers Explained
- Julia Prouse
- Nov 28, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 26
People-pleasing is a term that’s often used, but what does it truly mean? For many millennial women, it feels like second nature: putting everyone else’s needs first, avoiding conflict, and striving to be liked at all costs. But here’s the thing: while people-pleasing behaviours might seem sweet and selfless on the surface, they’re often rooted in deeper struggles like self-doubt, anxious attachment, and the fear of rejection.
Let’s dive into what people-pleasing looks like, why millennial women are especially prone to it, and how therapy can help you break free from the cycle.
What is People-Pleasing?
In simple terms, people-pleasing is when you constantly prioritise other people’s feelings, wants, and needs above your own—even when it’s at your own expense. It’s driven by the need for approval, the fear of conflict, and the hope that if you’re “good enough,” you won’t be rejected.
Signs of People-Pleasing
Think you might fall into the people-pleaser category? Here are some signs to watch for:
Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" because you’re worried about disappointing someone.
Apologising constantly, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
Overthinking every interaction, replaying conversations and wondering if you said or did the “wrong” thing.
Feeling guilty any time you put yourself first or set boundaries.
Avoiding your own feelings or opinions to keep the peace in relationships.
At its core, people-pleasing behaviours are about seeking validation externally rather than trusting your own worth.
People-Pleasing Examples
If you’re still not sure, here are some everyday situations that scream “people-pleaser”:
Saying “yes” to extra work when you’re already overwhelmed, just to appear reliable.
Changing your plans last-minute to fit someone else’s request, even when it inconveniences you.
Smiling and nodding along in a conversation, even when you completely disagree.
Going out of your way to fix problems for others, even when it’s not your responsibility.
Refraining from sharing your needs in a relationship, fearing they’ll think you’re “too much.”
Sound familiar? These behaviours might seem harmless, but they often leave you feeling exhausted, unseen, and disconnected from your true self.
What are the Causes of People-Pleasing in Millennial Women?
People-pleasing tendencies are particularly prevalent among millennial women, and it’s not hard to see why. A combination of social, cultural, and psychological factors has conditioned many to prioritise others’ needs over their own. Here are some key causes:
Cultural Conditioning
Growing up, many millennial women were raised to be “good girls” who avoided conflict and prioritised harmony. This emphasis on being agreeable, polite, and accommodating often carries into adulthood, shaping people-pleasing behaviours.
Fear of Rejection
The rise of social media has amplified fears of judgement, exclusion, and disapproval. For millennial women with people-pleasing tendencies, every post, comment, or interaction can feel like a popularity contest, increasing the drive to be liked and accepted.
Low Self-Esteem
When your self-worth feels shaky, you might rely on external validation to feel “good enough.” People-pleasing can feel like a way to earn love or acceptance, even if it comes at the expense of your own needs.
Attachment Styles
Anxious attachment can drive people-pleasing tendencies. The fear of abandonment or rejection can lead to overcompensating in relationships, with efforts to keep others happy becoming a survival mechanism for maintaining connection.
Burnout Culture
Millennial women are navigating a world that glorifies hustle culture and self-sacrifice. Saying “no” often feels like a failure, pushing people-pleasers to overcommit in their personal and professional lives, even at the expense of their well-being.
The Dangers of People-Pleasing Behaviours
While people-pleasing tendencies might seem harmless—or even helpful—on the surface, they often carry hidden dangers:
Burnout: Continuously putting others first can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion, leaving you feeling depleted and overwhelmed.
Resentment: Consistently saying “yes” when you want to say “no” can create frustration and bitterness, both toward others and yourself.
Loss of Identity: Prioritising others’ needs over your own can erode your sense of self, making it harder to understand or honour your own desires and boundaries.
People-pleasing behaviours might feel like kindness, but they often come at a significant cost to your authenticity, well-being, and happiness.
How Therapy Can Help People-Pleasing
The good news? People-pleasing isn’t a life sentence. People-pleasing therapy focuses on understanding the root causes of these behaviours and developing healthier ways to connect with others. Here’s how therapy can support you:
Identify Triggers
A therapist can help you pinpoint the situations and beliefs that drive your people-pleasing tendencies.
Build Boundaries
Through therapy, you’ll learn how to set and communicate boundaries in a way that feels empowering, not confrontational.
Challenge Negative Beliefs
Therapy helps you reframe thoughts like “I have to make everyone happy” or “I’m only valuable if I’m needed.”
Develop Self-Compassion
A therapist will guide you in cultivating self-worth and prioritising your needs without guilt.
Practice Assertiveness
In therapy, you’ll learn how to advocate for yourself in relationships, at work, and in everyday life.
You’re More Than a People-Pleaser
People-pleasing is not an inherent part of who you are. It’s a learned response to fear and external pressures—and that means it’s something you can unlearn. With the right support, you can break free from the pressure to keep everyone happy and start living a life that feels more authentic and fulfilling.
Ready to Stop People-Pleasing?
Therapy could be the next step. Book a free consultation today and let’s work together to help you let go of people-pleasing, build your confidence, and embrace your authentic self.
You’ve got this!
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